What If You Didn’t Have to Believe Everything You Think?

Have you ever noticed how quickly a thought can start to feel like a fact?

I’m not doing enough.

I’ve messed this up.

They must be disappointed in me.

I should be coping better.

What if something goes wrong?

Everyone else seems to manage this better than I do.

Most of us have thousands of thoughts moving through our minds each day. Some are useful. Some help us solve problems, make decisions or recognise when something needs our attention.

Others are anxious, self-critical, repetitive or simply unhelpful.

The problem isn’t necessarily that we have these thoughts.

The problem can be how easily we become caught up in them.

A thought appears and, before we know it, we are analysing it, arguing with it, looking for evidence, predicting what might happen next or changing our behaviour because of it.

And somewhere along the way, we can forget something important:

A thought is not necessarily a fact.

When our thoughts start running the show

Imagine you send someone a message and they don't respond.

Your mind might offer:

They're annoyed with me.

That thought might quickly become:

I must have said something wrong.

Then:

Why did I send that? I always do this.

And perhaps eventually:

I've ruined things.

Nothing externally has actually changed. You still simply have an unanswered message.

But internally, your mind has constructed an entire story about what that unanswered message means.

Your body may begin responding to that story too. You might notice tension, a racing heart, nausea or a sense of dread. You may reread the conversation repeatedly, send another message, seek reassurance from somebody else, or spend the next few hours analysing what you might have done wrong.

This is something we can all experience, but it can become particularly difficult when we're struggling with anxiety, overthinking, perfectionism or self-doubt.

Our thoughts don't just occur.

They begin influencing how we feel and what we do.

Cognitive defusion: creating space between you and your thoughts

One of the therapeutic approaches I use in my work is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).

ACT includes a skill known as cognitive defusion.

Despite the clinical-sounding name, the idea behind it is relatively simple.

Rather than automatically treating everything our mind tells us as true, we learn to notice our thoughts for what they are: thoughts.

Consider the difference between:

“I’m failing.”

and:

“I’m having the thought that I’m failing.”

You could create even a little more distance:

“I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that I’m failing.”

The original thought hasn't disappeared.

You haven't argued with it.

You haven't tried to replace it with “I'm amazing!”

You've simply changed your relationship with it.

Instead of being completely inside the thought, you're beginning to observe it.

That small distinction can be surprisingly powerful.

You don't have to argue with every thought

When people first learn about working with thoughts in therapy, they sometimes assume the goal is to replace every negative thought with a positive one.

But our minds don't always respond particularly well to that.

If you're lying awake worrying about an important presentation tomorrow and your mind is saying:

I'm going to completely stuff this up.

telling yourself:

No! I'm definitely going to be amazing!

may not feel remotely believable.

You can then end up having an argument with your own mind.

ACT offers another possibility.

You might simply notice:

I'm having the thought that I'm going to stuff this up.

Or:

My mind is giving me the "I'm going to fail" story again.

You don't have to decide in that moment whether the thought is true or false.

You can notice that your mind has produced it - and then decide how much attention you want to give it.

Why does the mind do this?

It's helpful to remember that our minds aren't deliberately trying to make life difficult.

Human brains are extraordinarily good at anticipating problems.

We compare.

We evaluate.

We remember previous mistakes.

We predict what might happen next.

We scan for potential threats.

We imagine how other people might respond to us.

From a survival perspective, having a brain capable of anticipating danger has been incredibly useful.

But the same system that can warn us about genuine problems can also produce:

What if…?

What if…?

What if…?

Sometimes our minds are trying so hard to protect us from uncertainty, rejection, failure or disappointment that they inadvertently create more distress.

Rather than trying to stop the mind from doing what minds do, defusion helps us become more skilful at deciding which thoughts deserve our attention.

Defusion doesn't mean ignoring genuine problems

This distinction is important.

Cognitive defusion isn't about dismissing your concerns or pretending everything is fine.

Sometimes a thought contains information that genuinely needs attention.

If your mind says:

I'm completely exhausted and I can't keep working like this.

perhaps something does need to change.

If you repeatedly think:

I'm unhappy in this relationship.

perhaps that's something worth exploring.

If your workload genuinely isn't sustainable, positive thinking won't make it sustainable.

Defusion isn't about disregarding reality.

It's about creating enough psychological space to consider your thoughts more flexibly rather than automatically reacting to every thought your mind produces.

You can notice a thought and then ask:

Is there something useful here that requires action?

Or:

Is my mind trying to pull me into another cycle of worry, self-criticism or overthinking?

Some thoughts are particularly sticky

You may notice that your mind returns to certain themes again and again.

For example:

The perfectionism story:If I can't do this properly, there's no point doing it.

The people-pleasing story:They'll be disappointed if I say no.

The self-doubt story:Who am I to think I can do this?

The comparison story:Everyone else is doing better than me.

The anxiety story:Something bad is going to happen.

The not-enough story:I should be doing more.

Often these aren't new thoughts at all.

They're familiar stories our minds have been telling us for years.

And sometimes recognising that is helpful in itself:

“Ah. There's my ‘not good enough’ story again.”

You don't have to solve the story every time it appears.

A simple exercise to try

The next time you notice yourself becoming caught up in an anxious or self-critical thought, try these three steps.

1. Notice what your mind is saying

Ask yourself:

What is the thought I'm getting caught up in right now?

Try to identify the actual sentence.

Perhaps it's:

I'm going to embarrass myself.

I'm a bad mum.

I'm falling behind.

They don't like me.

I'm not doing enough.

2. Put some space around it

Add:

“I'm having the thought that…”

So:

I'm a bad mum

becomes:

I'm having the thought that I'm a bad mum.

You could take it one step further:

I'm noticing that I'm having the thought that I'm a bad mum.

Then pause.

You don't have to make the thought disappear.

Simply notice whether relating to it in this way feels different.

3. Decide what you want to do next

Now ask yourself:

If I don't have to let this thought make the decision for me, what would I like to do next?

Or:

Even with this thought here, what would be helpful right now?

That might mean having the difficult conversation.

Going to the event despite feeling anxious.

Resting when your mind says you should be productive.

Setting the boundary even though someone may be disappointed.

Submitting something that is good enough rather than endlessly perfecting it.

Applying for the opportunity even while your mind tells you you're not ready.

Sometimes the thought comes along for the ride.

You simply stop allowing it to choose the destination.

The goal isn't to stop overthinking forever

This is perhaps the most important part.

The aim of psychological therapy isn't necessarily to reach a point where you never experience anxiety, self-doubt, uncomfortable emotions or difficult thoughts again.

You're human. Your mind will continue producing thoughts.

And some days you'll get more caught up in them than others.

The goal is to develop greater flexibility in how you respond.

To notice:

“My mind is doing that thing again.”

To create a little space.

And then to ask:

“What matters to me here, and how do I want to respond?”

Because meaningful change doesn't always require us to feel completely confident first.

Sometimes it means learning to take the next helpful step while the anxious thought is still sitting quietly in the passenger seat.

Support for anxiety and overthinking

If you find yourself spending a lot of time caught up in anxious thoughts, self-criticism, perfectionism, worry or overthinking, psychological therapy can help you better understand these patterns and develop different ways of responding to them.

I provide psychological therapy for adult women experiencing anxiety, stress and overwhelm, burnout, perfectionism, difficulties with boundaries, low mood, relationship challenges and significant life transitions.

Sessions are available in person from my psychology practice in Novar Gardens, Adelaide, and via Telehealth across Australia. Submit an Enquiry Here