People-Pleasing & Boundaries
Psychological Support for People-Pleasing and Boundary Setting in Adelaide & Online
Do you find yourself saying yes when you really want to say no? Do you worry about disappointing people? Do you put other people's needs ahead of your own, only to feel exhausted, overwhelmed or resentful later?
Many women I work with describe themselves as people-pleasers.
They often say things like:
"I don't want to let anyone down."
"I hate conflict."
"I feel responsible for everyone."
"I worry too much about what other people think."
"I feel guilty putting myself first."
"I know I need better boundaries, but I struggle to follow through."
Over time, constantly prioritising other people's needs can leave you feeling depleted, overwhelmed and disconnected from your own needs and values.
Signs You May Be Struggling with People-Pleasing
You may recognise some of the following:
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Difficulty saying no
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Feeling responsible for other people's feelings
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Avoiding conflict
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Fear of disappointing others
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Overcommitting yourself
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Feeling guilty when prioritising your own needs
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Constantly seeking approval or reassurance
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Difficulty expressing your needs
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Feeling resentful after agreeing to things
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Putting others first at the expense of your own wellbeing
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Worrying excessively about what others think of you
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Feeling emotionally exhausted from trying to keep everyone happy
Why Boundaries Can Feel So Difficult
Many of us assume that setting boundaries should feel comfortable. Unfortunately, this is rarely the case. In fact, healthy boundaries can initially feel quite uncomfortable.
My clients often tell me: "I feel selfish." "I feel guilty." "I feel like I'm being a bitch."
Often, they are not being selfish at all. They are simply learning to recognise where their responsibilities end and another person's begin.
One of the metaphors I often use is that of a backpack. Many women spend years carrying a backpack filled with responsibilities. Not only their own responsibilities, but also their children’s worries, their partner’s responsibilities, their parents’ needs, their colleagues’ problems and their friends’ emotions. Over time, the backpack becomes heavier and heavier.
Part of our work in therapy is learning to pause and ask: "What actually belongs to me?"
And perhaps more importantly: "What am I carrying that was never mine to carry in the first place?"
Boundaries Are Not About Controlling Others
A common misconception is that boundaries are about changing other people. They are not. Boundaries are about communicating what you are and are not willing to do.
We cannot control how other people respond. Some people may respect our boundaries immediately, others may push back, and some may test them repeatedly.
Occasionally, relationships change when we begin expressing our needs more clearly. This can be difficult, particularly if others have benefited from us not having boundaries in the past. However, another person's disappointment does not automatically mean your boundary is wrong.
Part of learning to set healthy boundaries is recognising that we can feel guilt, discomfort or anxiety and still choose to do what we believe is right. The goal is not to eliminate uncomfortable feelings. The goal is to stop allowing those feelings to make all of our decisions.
I often invite clients to imagine they own a large piece of farmland.
In the beginning, there may be no fence. Anyone can enter. Anyone can take from the pasture. Anyone can come and go as they please.
Over time, however, we learn that boundaries are necessary.
At first, the fence may feel flimsy and uncertain. We may worry about upsetting people. We may feel guilty. We may find ourselves taking the fence down whenever someone objects.
But with practice, the fence becomes stronger. The posts become more secure.
Eventually, we realise something important: The purpose of the fence is not to keep everyone out. The purpose is to allow us to choose who comes through the gate. Healthy boundaries help us protect our time, energy and wellbeing whilst still maintaining meaningful relationships.
How Therapy Can Help
My approach draws on evidence-based therapies including Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).
Together, we may explore:
• Fear of conflict
• Fear of rejection or judgement
• Guilt associated with putting yourself first
• Patterns of over-responsibility
• People-pleasing behaviours
• Assertive communication skills
• Self-worth and self-compassion
• Identifying values and priorities
One of the goals of therapy is not necessarily to eliminate guilt or discomfort. Rather, it is learning to make decisions based on what matters most to you, even when uncomfortable feelings are present.
Over time, many women discover that healthy boundaries are not about becoming harder, colder or less caring. They are about creating a more sustainable way of caring for both themselves and others.
Ready to take the next step?
If people-pleasing, guilt or difficulty setting boundaries is leavi ng you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted or disconnected from yourself, therapy can help.
Together, we can explore healthier ways of relating to yourself and others, so that your decisions are guided by your values rather than fear, guilt or the need for approval.
You are welcome to submit a New Client Enquiry to discuss whether psychological therapy near Glenelg or online may be a good fit for your needs.